


Forever And An Eternity

by castielle_watson_winchester_holmes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, At least not now, BTW, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I really ship Destiel but not here, Sad Dean, Suicidal Dean, forgot to mention that, grab the tissues, it's okay to cry, like really, major angst, really - Freeform, sadness galore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-05-17 08:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5861260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielle_watson_winchester_holmes/pseuds/castielle_watson_winchester_holmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is a beautiful thing, something that is given and taken every single day, the beginning of one is a miracle while the end is a tragedy.  <br/>That's something I learned when I met Castiel. He came to me like a guardian, a guardian angel. He was there a long time, ever since Mom died. Cas was also there for the aftermath of John’s drinking.  He was just….there.  Without him I feel that I would have crumbled, stupidly ending my life  prematurely as I thought about many times. Sammy didn't know about this, I always had to have the façade that I was fine. For him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I gift this work to Bianca Dessipe. My Castiel. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm not suicidal and she's not dead so.....um chill...... yeah

They were always friends, nothing could change that. They were always bestfriends, always there for each other. One was always a safe haven for the other, a shoulder to cry on. A light in a time of darkness

Life is a beautiful thing, something that is given and taken every single day, the beginning of one is a miracle while the end is a tragedy. That's something I learned when I met Castiel. He came to me like a guardian, a guardian angel. He was there a long time, ever since Mom died. Cas, was also there for the aftermath of John’s drinking. He was just….there. Without him I feel that I would have crumbled, stupidly ending my life prematurely as I thought about many times. Sammy didn't know about this, I always had to have the façade that I was fine. For him. 

Castiel J. Novak was my best friend all through high school. He held me and brought tissues for me when I cried over Bela Talbot when she broke my heart. He was truly the best. As we meandered into adulthood we moved in together. He started going to the nearby community college for anthology classes while I took a job at the local automotive shop. Sammy visited sometimes when he had time off from Stanford, dragging up old memories of things that I wish I had forgotten. Mom. Dad….Cas. 

I didn't really want to forget these things but, I did want to move on. I remember Mom’s death in the house fire vividly, the smoke leaving sooty trails snaking under my door and trailing up to the ceiling. I remember the smell of burning wood and plastic, the frantically desperate slaps of bare feet on the hardwood floor. I especially remember her screams. They still plague my dreams to this day, the sheer pain and sorrow drenched in smoke and soot. I don't know how I exactly got out of the house but I do remember the scorched house from the outside. The black smoke rising up into the expanse of the night blocking out the stars and moon. I remember my father crying wishing he could go back and save Mom. But it was too late the flames were extinguished and so was her life. I hate it when Sam brought these things up. The taboo topics of my life I wish I could live without. The death of my mother. 

The death of my father wasn't as bad though. We all saw it coming, so did he. My father never had the tendency to sugar-coat anything so he just outright told us. He was dying. Me and Sam took him to a doctor to confirm it and sadly it was correct. But, what could you expect? All he did was drink the hardest liquor he could find and eat the most unhealthiest things ever. It was the equivalent to committing suicide. Something I never had the luxury of doing, something that Cas would never let me do. 

It took Sam a longer time to bring up Cas. He knew how much he meant to me for the time we knew each other, how much it hurt when he left, how good it felt when he came back for me. That memory is a bit muddled, pushed behind an opaque privacy screen obscuring my vision. I only remember his eyes as he raised me from my hell, my mind, my despair, perdition. They were so clear and sharp, the fierce blue cutting through my soul unsheathing my heart from the cloudy darkness of the past. 

If only it were real. 

I was 32 at the time of the accident. Journeying into adulthood with my favorite person in the world. Castiel. We were moving into our new apartment quickly to finish before the rain. I remember looking up at the clouds gray and dense with rain. . The I-Haul-IT in the apartment complex’s driveway, Castiel holding open the doors so me and Sam could carry the boxes to the elevator with ease. A few hours after we worked strategically placing boxes in their respective rooms Castiel thought it would be a good time for me and Sam to take a break. We trudged down the hall, sweat making our shirts cling to our bodies, the humidity sure wasn’t helping as more and more sweat soaked our shirts. We entered the apartment to the smell of spaghetti. I always liked Cas’s spaghetti, the tomatoes and basil with a hint of a sweetness that to this day I still couldn’t identify. Sam quickly took a seat at our mismatched dining room chairs hurriedly tucking in to the dinner Cas made us as I sat in awe of the domesticality in the moment. Cas gave me a knowing smile and set down a beer at the spot he set as mine. A huge steaming pile of spaghetti with extra parmesan cheese and the extra long noodles. Just how I liked it. I dug in, after a few bites and slurps a few spaghetti noodles hung down from my face leaving saucy trails on my chin. Sam snorted and handed me a napkin calling me a caveman under his breath. That little dork. It was getting late the sun sinking lower and lower in the sky signaling the days end and Sam had school the next day. It seemed to slip his mind, mine too. If it weren't for Cas he probably would have missed that day. I remember reaching for the Impala’s keys and Cas stopping me. He knew it’d been a long day. I was very hesitant about letting him drive Baby. She only knew a few drivers behind her wheel, I was one of those few. 

But, I didn't have a chance to argue because they were already out the door. 

The new apartment was quiet. No Dr. Sexy reruns playing on Cas’ old hand me down T.V, no Blue Oyster Cult playing from my ancient stereo, no nothing. I started unpacking boxes to abate the silence, the shuffling of cardboard on my weathered fingers making a satisfying scraping sound as I fumbled around and put everything where I thought it needed to go. Hours passed and rain poured. Cas still wasn't back. I checked my phone for messages and found only one. A voicemail. I could hear the crackling of thunder and the pitter patter of rain on the Impala's roof then I heard Cas’. His voice was rough and his tone light as he spoke. I couldn't hear him all that clearly due to the heavy rain but I did hear him say he was on his way home. If only. I sat for two more hours each dragging along, every antagonizing second mocking me. My palms itched, I couldn't focus. 

Then the phone rang. 

My mind was going few hundred miles an hour. Thinking unthinkable thoughts, bad things, nightmares. I answered the phone on the first ring a silence permeating through the phone’s speaker until a female voice spoke. 

“Dean Winchester?” She asked. Her voice sullen and even. 

I cleared my throat. “Yeah?” 

The line sat quiet again, the pregnant pause ready to give birth to her words. “There is a Castiel Novak in the hospital and……” 

I didn't need to hear the rest nor did I want to hear it. It was the eve of a new era of sadness. My sadness. My vision blurred, bile started to raise in my throat, I couldn't breathe as I felt my heartbeat becoming more and more unsteady. Then the floor started coming closer to my face. I couldn't brace for the impact, how could I? 

I was welcomed to the land of unconsciousness by a hardwood floor. When I came too everything just felt like a bad dream. My phone buzzed by my head on the floor, it was Bobby. I didn't answer. I just bolted out the door not bothering to lock it. I needed to see Cas. 

 

I didn't know how long I was out cold but I do know it took me five minutes to get to the hospital, Michael's Pass Hospital. I ran up to the reception desk, jacket drenched with rainwater and tears. The woman gave me a look as if I didn't belong but, I didn't care. I needed Cas. I asked his name and she said he was in the intensive care unit and couldn't be seen. I still didn't care. I tore past the desk the lady yelling at me to stop but, I didn't. I ran down the main hallway and up a few flight of stairs to the intensive care unit I ran up and down the hallway until I heard it. 

“Mr.Novack stay with us!!” 

I sped to the door peeking in the small glass window seeing doctors and nurses covered in generic blue scrubs, gloves stained red. I could hear the unsteady beat of the heart monitor the thin line shuddering as it rose and fell. Doctors scurried around the body as the beeping became more and more erratic. It went faster and faster and faster until. 

It stopped. 

It was in that moment I lost my very best friend and will to live. But, he wasn't lost forever.


	2. I'm Still Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I took one step outside the elevator and pain racked through my body. 
> 
> Every limb, hair, cell. 
> 
> It all hurt. 
> 
> I took a step back and the pain resided. 
> 
>  
> 
> Maybe I wasn’t meant to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there Reader! How's it hanging?
> 
> Ready for Chapter 2.?! Well, you better be because. TADA!!! 
> 
> Now, this isn't the entire chapter. I had to at least post this because I got a severe case of writers block for this story. 
> 
> But hey! You! Reader! I need feedback! How am I supposed to know you loved it.....or even hated it....
> 
> Comment, bookmark, kudos I'd love to hear from you!
> 
> ♦♥Enjoy! ♥♦

The first thing I felt was Dean’s sadness, Dean’s pain, Dean’s regret, Dean wishing it were him. 

The feelings were so strong, pulling me out of my body and to the little tiny window of the operation window. I looked down and saw myself, my body torn open and my face splattered with cuts and bruises . 

Could they please close my eyes? 

It was starting to freak me out. Really. 

But, I was minorly distracted by all the doctors and nurses around me, trying so hard to bring me back. Like, honestly if I were alive I’d hunt down each and every one for a hug or a cup of coffee. Anything. But, I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to go back. Not now, not ever. Not if I wanted to. To them I was gone. 

But, I was still here. 

Still, Castiel Novak.

My life had ended at 6:42 on a Wednesday. I don’t know exactly what day but,oddly enough, Wednesdays were my favorite day. 

After I died and my dead body was wheeled away to the hospital's body freezer, I started to roam. 

I went to the pediatric ward and smiled and played with the newborns who smiled up at me. I went to the geriatric ward and just listened to the rare old person that could see me. I walked around deeper and deeper into the hospital until I got to the hospital chapel. 

It wasn’t anything special really. Just a sad group of people scattered around the mahogany pews praying for loved ones. 

Of course, I couldn’t talk to them, I was dead. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t comfort them. 

I walked by running my cool fingers over warm arms and shoulders. They all prayed for healing, recovery, anything but death. 

I had to get out of there though. It was making me depressed. I was already dead, I didn’t need to be sad about it too. 

I exited the chapel and roamed some more. I was starting to get bored so I attempted to go home. I went down the elevator, the floors with different wards I already visited dinging upon my elevators arrival until I made it to the lobby. 

I took one step outside the elevator and pain racked through my body. Every limb, hair, cell. It all hurt. I took a step back and the pain resided. 

Maybe I wasn’t meant to leave.

Not yet.


	3. You Aren't Real.  Are You??

All I wanted was Cas. 

No sympathy, no pat on the back, no hugs and boxes of tissues. 

All I wanted was Cas. 

When his life ended so did mine. 

 

I surprisingly kept it together for a month after his funeral. 

It was the funeral that kept me going. 

Cas' body burned into ash and his ashes free to roam the entire world. Just like he did. 

It was so liberating and depressing all in one. 

He was free to roam, only because he was dead. 

 

Many people tried to move me out of our apartment but, I wasn't budging. This was going to be our place and I'm making it our place. Even if he's gone. 

 

I spent day after day doing the work of two men. 

Painting my room a deep sage and Cas' room a light cerulean. 

I made his bed. I put his clothes away and folded them, I hung his trenchcoat in the closet and put his shoes by the front door. 

I made it look like he was there. 

But then, all of a sudden he was. 

It was really weird. I was so drunk I thought I was dreaming. It's not the first time I imagined a dead person into reality. 

He walked through the front door as a thick mist and stood in front of the TV. I could see right through him. The room became cold and the TV started snowing. 

Then Cas opened his mouth to speak and everything went blank. 

When I came to all the lightbulbs were shattered, some glasses broke in the cabinets and the TV had a large fracture. 

What happened. 

Was it real? 

Am I losing it?


	4. It's Not A Joke

My attempts at being with Dean were futile. I couldn’t even speak to him without disappearing or causing a power outage. It was truly frustrating. Just one movement in the living plane sapped me of all my energy and I realized that my energy was higher around things that I owned and loved. After a while I got the hang of leaving little messages on the steam of the mirror during his showers and it really payed off, he really believed I was there. Or….I was slowly turning my best friend insane.

It was spring break and Sam decided to visit. Dean objected but, Sam insisted so there was no turning back. Not this time. Now that Dean was living alone in a two bedroom he had a “guest room”. ‘It be really helpful if he got over me and maybe had a few guests over once in awhile.’ I thought. 

As Sam started unpacking in my old room and I could see Dean visibly shaking. I put a hand on his shoulder and sadly it went right through him. “Shit.” I cursed to myself and Sam lifted his head. 

“Dean, watch your mouth.” He ordered. Dean looked back at his younger brother incredulously. 

“What do you mean!? I didn’t say anything!” Dean retorted. 

I looked back and forth between the brothers confused. Did Sam somehow hear me?

“What do you mean, ‘what do you mean?!’ you clearly said ‘shit’”? Sam clarified. 

“Your hair must be blocking your ears. I ain’t say nothin’.” Dean admitted. 

By the time Sam replied both of the boys were arguing and I just couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Guys, be quiet.” I whispered. 

Sam and Dean kept arguing. 

“Guys.” I ground out gritting my teeth together. 

The argument continued. 

“GUYS!” 

The argument stopped. Everything was quiet. I looked around and saw the brothers looking at me. No, they couldn’t be. I’m dead. I moved to the right and their eyes followed me. 

“Sam, do you…” Dean started. 

“Y-yeah…..Do you?” Sam stuttered. 

Dean nodded his head. 

We all sat there for about ten minutes. I stood frozen in the middle of the floor staring at the Winchesters as they stared at me. 

“Cas...this isn’t funny.” Dean confessed, his voice wobbling along with his knees. 

“It’s not a joke.” I start before I turn to mist again and fade into the background. 

 

Sam and Dean sat horrified and I could do nothing but watch. 

 

All during Sam’s visit I knew both of the boys were on edge. I knew that neither of them slept that night and I knew that Dean’s pillowcase was wet with tears that morning. I knew all of this but what I really didn’t know what they were feeling. 

The next day neither of the boys spoke, and if they did it was only small one word conversations. I sat on the kitchen counter watching Dean eat his cereal as Sam slathered some organic apricot preserves on some whole-wheat toast. 

Everything was silent until Sam spoke. 

“Dean, do you think that was really Cas?” he probed. 

Dean sat silent staring diligently into his Honey Nut Cheerios. 

“Dean, please say something!” Sam reiterates. 

Dean slams his hands on the table, jostling a few droplets of milk out of his shallow batman bowl. 

“I have nothing to say about it. Nothing we saw or heard was real. It was probably some light refracting off some old picture or something.” Dean lied. 

Sam scoffed. “Light refracting?! That is nothing but pure bullshit and you know it!” 

Tired of the subject at hand Dean tossed his bowl in the sink and moves to his room. 

“Dean! This isn’t some Hollywood Hoax! This is our friend Cas we’re talking about!” 

The older brother stopped in his tracks ready to close the bedroom and looked back at his younger brother. 

“Yeah. I know.” Dean admitted, and I could see his heart break.


End file.
